Today I was a good mom, a normal mom, a silly and calm and patient mom holding my temper at an average, only slightly elevated, within normal ranges, mom. With a few exceptions here and there depending on the climate of our daily throws of life, this mom is my norm for two weeks out of the month. That’s right- two-weeks.
During these first two weeks of the month I’m relatively cool to my three year old’s testing and semi embarrassing defiance when I exclaim to him high above the indoor playground rafters at our local YMCA;
“C’mon buddy five minutes is up”
and he ignores me, or refuses for half an hour because he’s having too much fun. I even manage to keep said cool while physically pulling him from the fun, and into our SUV while his 3ft tall 33 pound body whales on me with his arms and legs screaming in my ear
” I don’t like you Mommy, I dont want to goooo”!
When he insists on wearing two different socks and I match them habitually onto his feet instigating 15 minutes of hysteria even though I quickly switch the mix matched back on, I comply- calmly accomodating, even compassionate.
I generally feel stable, and unreactive when he flips out, tightening his tiny body and fists, while purple crying him self into a tizzy of a tantrum because I won’t carry him from room to room all morning (every morning) when he thinks the floor is “too hard“….or the bed or the couch…our chairs, anything besides my arms…
and various other complaints of daily life with a toddler that are definitely comapraible at times to a person who has reached some sort of temporary insanity, or heavy intoxication whilst shadowing you around all day, demanding your time and attention, naively argumentive in nature.
but for two straight weeks I manage, like parents do all over the great big world. I maintain. Because we have to. After all, we willingly signed up for it.
This afternoon, while observing my abilities to maintain, I felt saddened that I even have to take note of my ability (or inability) to maintain, toggling inbetween stable calm mom and irritable hostile mom. But…I do.
The last one to two weeks out of each month I can feel the shift intensifying during the daily bores of our routine. The outfit demands my Evan brings on the changing table, the wrestling me with all his might as I change his diaper, or have him brush his teeth, or try to get us out the door to a library class or a gym class, or the store, or to get his sister…. and into the carseat without running in every direction, but the car inspite of my pleas and explanations of free time to run later.
I sense the mood approaching as my jaw clenching replaces my think quick distraction/bribing tools to get us both into the car happily.
All the basic parenting moments we carry out each day begin to stop feeling ordinary and routine. Simple responsibility changes for me and I morph into depleted parts of self I can hardly recognize. I swish it away inside my brain like swatting a fly from your face….but like the nagging fly returning, so will the impending mood, with its shortage of firing synapses that are desperate to bind to a receptor, but cannot.
The first shift in my being to arrive is resentment, as I gradually start to dread not only my duty as a parent, but my entire existence.
Hatred steps in next. I hate life, myself, the fact I don’t work a 9-5, and suddenly regret, with my whole being that I don’t work outside of the home on a more regular schedule of forty plus hours, because then at least for 8-9 hours a day I would be free of this domesticated agony I normally feel gratitude for.
Physical symptoms begin to take form revealing the resentment and hatred I feel across my facial contortions. Everyone around me takes notice of the change, and in the slumping of my shoulders and tensing of my furrowed eyebrows as I sink further away from myself and life.
I snap and yell each day this last week of the month, and no, not the mom yell we are used to (and grow up with ourselves), but a nasty, anger filled yell about anything and everything. Socks on the floor for longer then five minutes, dishes in the sink, driving our 12 year old to and from dance, my job, making dinner, dishes, laundry, anything and everything….
My sheer existence consumes me negatively and I want to be left alone for what feels indefinite. There’s no hope, no ability to look on the brighter side, or push through the day. Little noises of life with two kids and a husband pains me. Storming around, slamming doors, or cabinets sometimes so abrubtly I scare myself.
Solitude is the one thing that stops me and not because I truly do wish to be alone, but to cry silently hard, away from my family in shame for the rage I can’t get a handle on. Who is this person and why can’t I just stop behaving like a ballistic fool?
Several years ago I explained in honest detail these weeks of a month to our family doctor and she said what I’m experiencing is called “PMDD“.
Most women, even spouses know about PMS very well. Populations of young women, and women alike expereince monthly symptoms before the onset of menstruation. Which we all know can include bloating, cramps, mood swings, cravings, fatigue and much more.
According to Johns Hopkins Medicine online journal however,
“Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a much more severe form of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). It may affect women of childbearing age. It’s a severe and chronic medical condition that needs attention and treatment. Lifestyle changes and sometimes medicines can help manage symptoms.”
One of the toughest aspects of this condition is the waiting. Waiting for it. Each night I ask myself, when? When will I shift again? Will this stable, happy person stay as the end of the month approaches? Will I continue the self control over my emotions and not feel so overwhelmed by basic domestic life fundamentals? Can I ever be successful at deescalating myself as I am able with my three year old on the good days?
I wait. The happiness feels too good to be true.
It’s very common to hear women bonding over our cycles. It’s a shared universal compassion. We even make jokes about our moods, our emotions like crying for no reason, and our sudden cravings.
But PMDD is not discussed enough. I didn’t know anything about it prior to my doctor informing me about PMDD and how it differs from PMS. As a teenager I knew my cycle was coming by bloating and such, and I definitely had mood swings throwing my clothes all over my room because I hated the way I looked in everything during PMS. Yet, it didn’t scare me, or lead me to feel so ashamed about my reactions, especially around my family. I feel I need to do something about it… as recent motherhood seems to contribute the most to the onset of PMDD, for me.
Our bodies change so drastically, our chemical makeup fluctuates quite a bit after childbearing, and for some it’s permanent. Many bounce back in mind, body and spirit, some take longer, and some change indefinitely never really returning to the person they were pre babies.
I’m somewhere in between…still. My doctor suggested anti depressants for the last two weeks of the month to help stabilize my moods brought on by PMDD. Which I think work well for many, just not my best option.
Before the surprise of our second child 9 years after our first- I found that exercise and talk therapy was a great script for my condition. After the birth of our son though, just three years ago, I have been struggling with PMDD more. I have looked over the web, I have talked with many women, and I don’t feel that there’s enough awareness about this condition- especially for new moms experiencing postpartum as well.
It’s debilitating to witness outer body experiences each month, because that’s how it feels to me. The emotions and the rage can come to an aggressive boil real fast, and without warning. It’s a place of self loathing and truly beats up self confidence because it’s not something you want to be experiencing, and yet your body brings you there, monthly. Nervous of judgment or giving an impression of weakness we just keep it to ourselves, slowly deteriorating in an environment of our lives that is already challenging in itself- good parenting, healthy relationships- life in general.
For a few months now I’ve been finding my way back to the strength I know I have a reserve of somewhere… a way to balance and redirect the chemical wars of neurons binding and not binding inside my mind..
It’s taken close to three years to get back to exercise. Which for me is 100 Times more about releasing and increasing endorphins and serotonin then it is about weight management, but hey- that’s a bonus too.
Personally, for me, I won’t take an anti- depressant route with prescription medicine, because I tend to lean more holistically based on previous experiences I didn’t care for with prescription SSRI inhibitors. But that doesn’t mean they don’t work well for others.
I’m not writing this to encourage a wellness plan similar to what I’m searching for. I’m writing this because I don’t want other women to feel as poorly about themselves, or hopeless or scared, or stuck each month as I have, and still do -although it’s getting better because I’m learning what helps me maintain.
I am here because in spite of my very best efforts, marking the calandar with “doom-day week” leading up until my cycle commencement, and trying with every ability within my soul to not flip out like my toddler in a purple cry tantrum, I still do….for days… and the damage is begining to feel unrepairable. And as mothers- we’re fixers naturally….. This can be fixed.
This is my personal journey with PMDD, but please be safe and talk to a doctor or medical person if you feel you may be experiencing this condition too. I’ve included an article with more information on PMDD Here.
For a couple of months I have been exercising again with Zumba classes because my little guy was finally ready to enjoy the child care room at the Y. If you can’t get to a gym right now, or no interest in joining ( I get it),
blast the radio to dance music and have a dance party with the kids… just try to get those endorphins flowing – I have learned that it’s rather vital to my ability to balance my moods- to just get moving.
I’ve also started taking curcumin. It’s scientifically proven to help balance hormones, as well as conditions like PMDD, but again, please look into for yourself before starting any supplement, or consult with a physician. I’ve attached links to the vitamins and herbal supplements that I’m hoping to see help me remain that calm, cool, and collected mom all month long, instead for merely two weeks…
Hope for happy days ahead, 🙏🏻
Lisa 💙
Simply tipShe 